Stories on Curt's Human Disease Website
Name of the Disease: Eating Disorder
Author: Christina Alcantar
Story Submitted March, 1999:
My Struggle with Bulimia and Raynauds Disease, by Christina Alcantar
Years with the disorder: 6
City: Originally from Sunnyvale, CA., but attend college in San Diego
When I first realized that I had such an extreme problem regarding my weight, food control, and distorted body immage, I thougt it was something I could easily control; I figured I could stop any time I wanted. Yet,when I found out that I had raynauds disease, which is a circulatory ailment that restricts the blood flow to the hands and feet, I became very frightened and extremely aware of the the effects my eating disorder was having on my body.
I have been engaged in an ongoin battle with anorexia and bulimia for the past 6 years. It began with a diet in the eighth grade and soon escalated beyond my control. In high school I was a star athlete, an honor role student, and even winter ball princess and homecoming queen. Yet no one new of my disorder for I kept it hidden from all my friends and family. During my Junior year in high school, I began to fall into a deep depression and began to alienate myself even further everyone. I missed out on numerous school events like dances and even my own sports games because I felt I was too fat to leave the house. My whole perception of myself and life in general was completely warped and kept me from doing so many of the fun stuff I saw my friends doing. After graduation I continued on to college. At first things seemed to be a little better; being in a new town where I could start over, as a nameless face where no one new of my past failures and accomplishments. A place where I didn't carry the burden of any previously earned title. Yet,even though my place of residence may have changed, I was still the same person and my eating disorder and depression not only continued but worsened. It has been three years since my last boyfriend for I am frightened of committment and intimacy for if I am disgusted by my body how could anyone else truly be attracted to me. I often miss out on parties and going out with my friends for I feel I'm too fat or ugly to be seen in public. With this, the worse my depression get, the more intense my bulimic episodes become, and ironically enough I end up gaining more weight do to my emotional stess which I console with food, and considering I don't leave the house I fail to get proper everyday exercise.
When I first discovered bulimia it was after I had dieted and exercised vigorously for one year; eating no more than 500 calories a day and exercising a minimum of three hours a day, five days a week. I thought I have found the answer to all my problems by binging and puging. I could eat anything that I desired without any consequences, so I thought. I thought I had found the ultimate means to controling my weight, yet infact, it is the disorder which controls me. My every waking hour is consumed with thoughts of food, binging and purging, how to loose those unwanted pounds, and how I am going to face people when I don't even like to look into the mirror.
Eating disorders are not only vary dangerous and potentially fatal, but they can take such control over your life that by the time you realize just how little control you have over them, you have already lost so much time that you shall never get back.
I am finally admitting myself into an intensive all day therapy to get control over my life and hopefully rid myself of bulimia. It took me six years of countless opportunities wasted and goals unattained before I realized it was time for me to admit to the problem and seek aid. I would only encourage all those out there to with similar ailments to seek professional help for eating disorders are not something that you can live a fulfilling and meaningful existence with, and they are not something that you can take care of and control on your own. I know, I tried and during that time I lost years of my life that I can never get back.
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